There are people who test my abilities to remain positive while also creating an Atlas-like struggle to acknowledge their contributions without the filter of exasperation due to the extra work they create.
Today, following an effort that seemed to bring me to a new place, I found myself abandoned and used, filled with resentment and bitterness. I reached my precipice and angerly watched as my ‘rock’ slid behind and away – Atlas my friend – frustrated, I asked,
“What more can I do?”
I retreated and found a solution in Psalms 56:4 (verse of the day on Bible app).
“In God, whose word I praise —
In God I trust and am not afraid.
What can mere mortals do to me?”
I realized that this person did nothing to me. I let circumstance and my perceptions, real or not, infect me and who controlled my emotions and character. I quickly grabbed my ‘rock’ and found the burden of this mortal to be light.
It has been eight years since I first visited the wonderfully dreamy and emotional Salvador Dali Museum. I roamed with an awareness that the last time I visited was with Matt.
Matt is/was a large, jovial, young man who had the misfortune of being the anchor I latched onto in the wake of my mother’s death. Matt absolutely knew who he was: colorful, loud, funny, and generous. He filled an indescribable emptiness absent the voice of my mother.
When looking back, Matt is a fatality of finding and loving me while I was lost to anything other grief.
We reconnected a few years ago. This young man had stage 4 cancer, fighting it, and doing pretty well. He maintained that warm and funny outlook, filled with hope if not the energy to live life the way he had.
Last year he returned to his parent’s house and now there is no response to his cell or text.
I thought about Matt today and our trip to the sea.